
With the Romney campaigns recently demonstrated inability to interact with the press on a level between mediocre to a complete bungle, it’s not that surprising that they have decided to forge a strategy that completely ignores it. In a recent interview with Breitbart, top advisors to the Romney campaign discussed their plan to bypass traditional journalism for the more conspiracy heavy news outlets such as The Drudge Report and Breitbart itself.
After the way Romney has been smacked around in the media, headlines such as “Breaking: Obama Plans to Spread Cooties” should offer a safe haven from the harsh world of accountability.
I personally find this to be a hard pill to swallow. In the interview with Breitbart, the Romney advisor painted hard-right conspiracy sites as a moderate conservative’s beacon of light in the oppressive kingdom of the liberal agenda. This is where I call foul. As a former conspiracy junkie, trudging through digital rags such as Drudge and Infowars in an effort to find some semblance of a political identity, I can tell you that the only thing that comes close to being moderate on these sites are news stories with credible sources.
What conspiracy sites lack in reliable news articles, they make up for in being a great library of new age American fiction. Trying to find any ounce of credibility on these sites is comparable to mounting a tiresome journey to light the Torch of Gondor.
Upon entering the site you are bombarded with tales of discontent amongst the land. Shadowy figures warn you of Eric Holder’s plan to raffle off white children to Mexican gun runners, the United Nations plans to take your guns and replace them with homosexual sons, or even Obama’s secret past as a CIA agent in Pakistan (the last is an actual headline).
Sacred text to lead you to a path of purity are aplenty – though contrary to what you are led to believe by the conspiracy lore – none of them are the constitution. No, these sacred texts are whatever book the site is trying to sell on that particular day. Whether it be Alex Jones’ latest scripture about how the CIA spit in his sandwich or Ron Paul’s yearly loose interpretation of the constitution, options abound to save yourself from the oppressive overlords.
And if you still don’t feel safe from the oncoming black helicopter horde, you can seek haven in the advertisement section, Cash-4-Goldonia. It is here where you can bolster your stockpile by trading in your sack of 16th century Spanish gold doubloons for $15 and a squirrel pelt. If you see fit, you can then take that bounty and use it to buy a years worth sawdust flavored food rations to stave off a Zionist reptilian from making you his housewife.
These sites even have their own Mordor. A nether-realm where many a man has lost time and sanity. A cruel land where lurks the heathens who have escaped their basement harness. I speak of the comment section.
It is here where grown adults come to cast their scorn upon the world, releasing all of the pent up rage they have accumulated since their spouse stopped touching them after they grew tired of hearing about the secret Nazi moon-base. They have their own dialect, primarily made up of Bill Hicks quotes and strawmen. A properly spelled word arises only with every third moon of winter. Beware, speak once and you will be branded with a scarlet “CIA” for operative. One should avoid this area at all cost unless they enjoy caps lock and the words “Tower 7.”
When you decide to venture into a hard-right conspiracy site, you really learn how precious facts are. Leaving these sites behind, I felt that I should write an open apology to facts everywhere, that I would never take them for granted again. Trying to find a factual news article on a site like prisonplanet.com is like trying to find a needle in a pile of shape-shifting necromancers who only learned how to turn into tiny, sharp metal objects. According to what I read during my conspiracy spell, I should have witnessed martial law, a faked alien invasion, and been put in a FEMA concentration camp. The only thing that resembled that dystopian future was the 3 hours I lost when my girlfriend put a guilt gun to my head and made me watch Transformers 3 because “we never do anything she wants.”
Conspiracy sites are the perfect platform for Mitt to get his message out because nobody actual cares about Mitt Romney. Mitt profited off of firing people? That’s fine because Obama wants to kill farmers with drones. Mitt lied about how long he worked at Bain? I’m sorry, I couldn’t here you over this man telling me that Harry Reid has the corpse of Vladimir Lenin preserved in his meat pantry. These sites cater to the new American news goer who is concerned less about an investigative report and more about lying listicles. On these conspiracy sites Mitt will not only be able to color outside of the lines, he’ll be able to draw a whole new picture.