Art of the Union

Since the debt ceiling debate, the tea party has taken their victory to heart and have made efforts to capitalize on their lunacy ten-fold. Noticing how blunt force and stubbornness despite the consequences worked so well, it has now been applied to all facets of their governing. Recent reports of GOP Congressmen putting constituents on a “watch-list” for asking tough questions should be surprising, but is not. See, when you elect officials off of dread instead of knowledge this is the sort of brash, heavy handed governing that you will receive. Eric Cantor decried he will fight disaster funding for Virginia in the wake of Hurricane Irene unless there are budget cuts. Virginia being Cantor’s home state. One would imagine that the only thing he could do worse to assure not being re-elected is introducing the “Who Needs Trees Anyways?” bill, which would not surprise me a bit if that was being drafted. 

What makes it worse is that the presidential candidates have to pander to this type of thinking. In his proposition for ending FEMA, Ron Paul mentioned that when the Hurricane of 1900 demolished Galveston, Texas, the population banded together to rebuild the town without the government. A feat less impressive when it is realized that the common building material of the time was wood and brick, and the world population was much smaller than it is today. But that is the type of thinking that one must have to be a candidate for the tea party. Campaign rhetoric that would have been better fit for a Presidential run against James Madison in place of Barack Obama. A perspective of the world where the main highway is the Susquehanna Trading Route and the favored currency is corn and beaver pelts. A movement driven by sayings and rants straight out of the 18th century. When taken into account that it is actually 2011 and the world population is estimated at 6.94 billion, this thinking can not fly.

If this type of thinking were put to the GOP candidates, it would leave me astounded that the tea party has accepted any of the Republican potentials as possible presidential nominees. Just look at what they are dealing with here. Take for example the two front runners, Mitt Romney and Rick Perry. What with their perfectly parted hair and tan, square jaw lines, certainly they must be some of those homosexuals the tea party has heard so much about through myth and folklore. And Michele Bachmann, oh Michele Bachmann. Did you think the tea party would not catch on to her crude, secretive life? With all of that suggestive ankle skin she shows, certainly she is a seductress witch. Where is the scarlet letter “T” for “Trollop” branded across her chest to warn the good people of her jezebel lifestyle? No individual is to be trusted. No, not even the grand tea party sage Ron Paul. Did you not think they would become wise to his ways? That assured wisdom, that ashen white hair, there is no doubt that Ron Paul is a Tolkien Wizard. The Gandalfian magician who practices in the dark arts of “gynecology”, he teams with Azrael in an assault on Jesus.

Now, were all of these arguments and conclusions just baseless speculation on my part? Yes, but is that not the basis of the tea party? From the beginning of the movement, it was clear that it was born of fear and conjecture. Fear that they would take our guns. Fear that our national anthem would be changed to a Ladysmith Black Mambazo song. Fear that Obama would nominate Mikhail Gorbachev’s birthmark as his Vice President. These imagined fears played out to the detriment of our country. Ammo prices skyrocketed, only to recently fall back to their pre-rage prices. The 3 year long episode of “Where in the World is Barack Obama’s Birth Certificate” was solved, turns out it was in Hawaii. The image of Muslims and immigrants were driven into the ground while white christians screamed bloodcurdling shrieks of self persecution. While the tea party and their elected officials were fighting the good fight, the real world continued on despite them. The economy kept sinking, unemployment kept rising, and standard events such as raising the debt ceiling turned into a national circus. Every issue that tea party candidates were elected to fix went ignored in the greater plight to get the “x” out of “x-mas.”