Art of the Union

“Back you devils, back I say! No foul beast shall lay a hand on my wealth! I shall strike down your avarice, strike it down to the bowels of hell from which it came! Kneel before me, demons, the bastion of tax revenue has cometh!” This is what I picture running through Republicans heads whenever Speaker of the House John Boehner enters the debt ceiling negotiations. In reality, this is what happens when John Boehner enters the debt ceiling negotiations: “John Boehner walks out of White House Debt Ceiling talks.” So this is the grand stand is it, employing the same tactic my ex-girlfriend would after I make a point mid fight? In a press release Boehner stated his reason for entitlement cuts is that he wants to make sure entitlement programs are there in the future for his daughters. I guess those filthy tax funded matters such as the education system, the infrastructure, and law enforcement can wither away because, well who needs those government pork programs anyways?

Let’s be honest here, the argument being thrown around that raising taxes would destroy jobs is a farce. Any jobs lost would more likely be caused by Republicans sensationalizing the situation, much like the ammunition scare after President Obama’s election victory. The reality is that taxes are at their lowest rate since Harry Truman’s administration. Ronald Reagan raised taxes eleven times during his eight year administration and George W. Bush raised the debt ceiling seven times. This stance that Republicans have adopted that they are stopping the Democrats blank check is actually attacking their very own drunken spending habits. It’s as if our generation is witnessing its very own New Deal, only instead of Herbert Hoover leaving office he’s sitting across the table from FDR. And instead of Hoover being a human, he’s an angry, senile cartoon cat.

While I am completely bewildered as to how our nation has ended up in this scenario, I suppose I should not be upset. With a CBS poll finding 71% of Americans disapproving of how the Republicans are handling the debt crisis 2 things are made apparent. First: 29% of Americans eat crayons. Second: Thanks to John Boehner’s valiant fight for his corporate intere… er, I mean our tax money, he is serving up a nice and tasty 2012 Democratic sweep platter. A purging of Tea Party politics that has been trying to govern this country as if we still wore frockcoats. The only question is whether I’ll be enjoying it in a functional country or under my cardboard roof as fire rains from the sky while I fight off giant scorpions and leather-clad outlanders.

Where are the reasonable voices of the Republican Party? The sane voices? The Gingrich campaign is more mentally sound than how the GOP is approaching the debt ceiling, and last time I checked the Gingrich campaign was being organized by chimpanzees wearing bicycle helmet. In the same CBS poll, 51% of Republicans responded with grief over how their own party was handling the debt ceiling talks so the voices must exist. Perhaps we would be able to hear those voices if it wasn’t for the screaming of GOP lunatics such as Sesame Streets own fiscal conservative Grover Norquist.

While Norquist isn’t busy flourishing his career as an unshaven fool, he is making sure Republicans stand firm on not raising taxes as the president of Americans for Tax Reform. By bandying about a piece of paper with names on it, Norquist seemingly has the Republicans held hostage in defending tax cuts. But perhaps we as a nation should trust individuals such as Norquist when it comes to matters of the wallet. Just look at former lobbyist and businessman Jack Abramoff, he trusted Norquist and now he’s living the highlife as an ex-convict and pizzeria employee. Free jumpsuits AND minimum wage? I’m sorry, but it just doesn’t get any better than that folks! We as a nation could only be so lucky to obtain a life filled with such treasures. This government needs too realize sooner or later, and by sooner I mean within the next few days, that a hatred for the president or liberals isn’t worth making us the West’s very own Ghana.